Finesse

I was presented with the choice of running or not running today. Well the question was not if I was going running. The question was my Achilles up to running? It seems this injury is going to really take some time to get over. It's been since early November that it occurred. If you do not know I had not injured my achilles running rather I injured it at the gym doing calf raises.
Then in late mid to late November I went to Italy for work. Being in the alps of northern Italy I HAD to go for a run. Should I have done so? Absolutely not! I had two large lumps from the tears and was in no shape to be running let alone climbing some 3,000 plus feet up then down in a short 7 mile run. But I just had to.
I know that run set me back substantially.
So here I am now early January. Is the tendon getting better? Yes. But it's by no means healed. There is still swelling. There is a squeaky sound that it makes when I have worked it too hard. All signs that it still deserves my attention and respect. The lumps are no longer, I just have an overall swelling. This is common in this type of injury and is not a good sign.
So I have been attempting to run only as fast and only as far as I can without pain.
It's a fine line between doing what is right and pushing hard to move forward and heal and pushing too hard and degrading long term progress. I am having a tough time finding the line.
Much like in life I can want to just take out a sledge hammer and beat things into place. If I cannot finesse them then I will just beat on them hard enough and long enough until they work. Over and over I have seen this be completely ineffective and does nothing but give me an unhealthy outlet to vent my anger and frustration.
With this injury I really am trying to find that finesse that soft often eludes me in life. Both in running but also life in general. There is a beauty in someone who can take the time to think before they act. Put a well educated plan in place and adjust on the fly as need be.
As many of you are runners, know that running and it's uncanny similarity to the task of living life in this world. So many parallels that at times it's almost creepy.
Does god have some sort of hidden humor in planting parallels to life in the pain of running? I like to think so. It seems in the pain of running you are pushed back into a silent place that brings into pinpoint focus all of life,all of your decisions and emotions making sense of them.
Yeah I ran today. I made a calculated plan. Making sure I was willing to adjust as need be. I so much wanted to find the finesse in this little run that I so often lack in the larger scale of life as a whole. I set out on the same loop I have done for the last several days. It was a chance to discover my finesse.
I pulled on my gloves,slid on my hat and trotted out of my works parking lot. The idea was to run only as fast as I could with no pain. If pain occurred take note of foot position,speed and terrain. Back off the speed until it went away and make that the norm. Constantly adjusting as need be on downhills and uphills. The snow and ice on the roads and sidewalks kept my mind busy on one level. On the the other level over and over in my head I said "focus jesse,listen and adjust". At any moment if I could not make the pain go away I would stop and turn around.
Before I knew it I had run 4 miles. When your in that zone of "thinking" while running for me it almost becomes a trance. Faces I saw are the street were in slow motion. Just a blip of feeling and emotion then erased to allow room for the focus inside. When I had run 4 miles I took inventory. How was my tendon feeling?
It felt no worse than when I had left.
Slipped back inside work. Hit the shower. Stretched. Cleaned up and had some lunch at my desk. As i sit here typing this I have an ice pack on my tendon. I want to make sure I am doing all I can to help things. I learned today that if I take the time to be attune to what is going on, take inventory of my options, weight the risk and take action there can be well thought out progress. I can find that finesse in life I so often miss. I hope I can continue these thoughts and put away the sledge hammer I so often reach for. More times than not it leaves nothing but a beat up mess.
Happy Friday,
Jess