Its 7:52pm and I am in Rochester,NY for work. These last several days have been a roller coaster of emotion for me.
I do not travel well alone. I get horribly homesick which causes great angst in my soul. To the point of racing heart beats while at rest and moments of subtle panic. I miss my family. I miss the smell of our home and the conversation that comes and goes.
When I am struggling emotionally and lacking sleep which I was yesterday I get short term depression and just a general overall sullen coating. I made it through the first day of work training and b-lined to a local park that I found about 8 miles from my hotel to the only medicine I have known to settle my soul and bring some sense to whatever ails my heart.
Over the last several months I have written extensively about injury,emotionally struggling with running and life in general. These last several weeks I have very honestly felt a strong questioning of what running is to me,my life and what impact is has. I DO know there are many positives that come from it but I also know negatives come along for the ride also.
As with anything in this life there is always a price to pay for something. Always. My running is no exception. Over the last several weeks it has slowly suck in the price I pay for the joy which is running to me.
I shall just list out a few observations and random thoughts that have been in constant loop mode in my mind while toiling away at the craft of long distance running:
-i have a nagging sore inner left ankle where the deltoid ligament attaches to my ankle bone that I did "something" to about 4 years ago. It constantly hurts me especially the longer I run and the weekly miles begin to stack up. I have found better running form with NO heal strike helps it tremendously and has slowly reduced its painful presence. But it is always there humbling my soul.
-my body does not recover well and i am slowly learning to listen to it's subtle clues of when I can push and when I cannot.
-i have felt older than dirt and creakier than an old wood floor over the past several months.
-my time away while running makes me feel selfish and self centered at times.
-i struggle with finding balance in my life.
-tendons are a nightmare to heal.
-when I cannot run at all i feel a large spiritual piece of my soul is missing. it's the piece i felt church should have always filled but never did.
-i cry a lot in the woods alone.
-i am very shy when it comes to my innermost parts and who I am. i am sensitive to a fault
- geoff roes said it one of his latest blog entries. train by instinct. more and more with constant daily toil there is a primal instinct that can guide that has been hushed by the noise of this modern world. like a sixth sense. it takes lots and lots of work to find it. at times i do find it.
-derek inspires me with his gutsy runs. not by his placement in races but in his determination to be something more than he can see.
Yesterday I ran 6 miles in the evening. I ran roughly 12 min. miles. My inner ankle hurt. My right calf had two strains in it. I could massage and find the exact spots where the soreness was. I was worried it would turn into the nightmare of my achilles tendon. I am worn out from my job and my personal life. I was tired. The woods seems devoid of any joy. I was devoid of any joy. I was empty inside.
After that run on the way home I decided to give up. To close up the shop that is my running. I had done what I could do.
Time to move on an find a new groove to bring long term sense to these three dimensions. I went home…. ate and slept.
I slept well. Something that has not come easily to me over these last few years. I suffer from long term stress in personal areas of my life. I suspect they disrupt my soul and my sleep. I know they do but I don't want to admit it.
Someone who I consider a gift from god Jim Rayburn seems to say things that always come as screaming truth, lit up as midday summer sun. Today is a new day Jim says. Sure everyday is, but when looked at in a deeper sense some days are truly a "new day" as Jim speaks of.
You could say a day of salvation, a day all wrongs are washed away and things are set right in the unseen world. I got up this morning at 6am. Ate wonderful food at the hotel and had wonderful coffee. It was a gift that almost brought tears to my eyes. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I felt a warm burning inside. All my trouble had not gone away. But all my troubles were seen as they are. Temporary. They still hurt,they still need to be dealt with but ONE day they will be right. No longer a burden of wrong.
I walked out to the minivan and proceeded in the early morning mist of Rochester,Ny . I ran the exact same 6 mile loop I had run the day before. The first mile was nothing special. I left my heart monitor at home. I wore my watch only for the time. Broke a sweat and said screw my ankle and screw my heart rate. The yellow morning sun breaking down the nighttime mist warming the bright green moss burnt off my burdens. I ran with my soul. The lonesome rhythm of a train in a far away hollow up in the mountains I ran.
6 miles were done I was covered in sweat and I slowed to a walk about a quarter mile from the van parked in the dusty dirt lot. i thought a million thoughts in some far away place deep down in my soul. A person I am only beginning to learn of. This person handed me hope. Gave me courage to go on and a path to follow. This is always gonna hurt but if it didn't it wouldn't mean so much. It seams the joke is on pain because without it there could be no joy. In the end good wins.
Today was a new day. A good day. I miss my family. I miss home. I am happy I have a home to miss. Its not perfect but what I have is better than not having at all. I ran for my family this afternoon. I ran for my daughters hope in her life to unfold. I ran for the pain of my relationships and the struggle that is very real i them. I cried and I ran. Alone in the woods it came alive. I came alive. I felt no pain from my ankle… i felt no pain in my calves. I felt no pain at all. All of my pain was doused onto the flame of my soul like a steam engine under pressure my legs moved as the train. Rhythm rolling along. I ran the fastest and longest I have run in 6 months this evening. I have more hope than I have had in a long time.
I am ready for the new day.
