Weakness Comes Soul

Many many things have changed over the last several months. Obviously I have not written any entries about these changes so for those of you that
care I will attempt to bring you up to speed.
First a HUGE change in plans with regards to running a 100 mile race. After pacing Evan Cestari for the last 40 miles of Massenutten Mountain 100 I realized
the seriousness of running a 100 competitively. I saw first hand the hurt,suffering and sprit that is involved with completing this monumental task. After some time of pondering on this fantastic experience I realized I NEED friends and family around in order to make it.
I struggled for weeks on this thought. For this thought meant that I could not go with Derek to Oregon and run a 100 alone. Not wanting to let Derek down and not wanting to not make good on a promise I didn't want to face this reality. But in the end it was the right call to make. Derek would be going to Oregon without me and I would have to find another 100 to run on the east coast. Derek like he is with all things was understanding,encouraging and completely positive to this news. For his character I am very grateful.
So Derek continues to be on a serious tear winning Laurel Highlands Ultra in record time along with continuing his training as if he has become time. Unstoppable and consistent. I will make the statement right here and now, Derek will win Pine to Palm 100 if he lets himself. The talent and desire is there, he only needs to open the door. I suspect he will be knocking on it and walking right through. To Derek from the deepest parts of my soul, my heart is with you!
On my front its been an interesting story. I gain fitness and break barriers of what I think I can do only to be set back by injury. I am working on a very important skill I have been missing. Reading my body. It seams my body speaks very softly and I am hard of hearing. I have had issues with my achilles that I hurt last year flaring up and getting sore where it was torn. Most recently I seemed to have torn/pulled the rectus abdomens muscle on my left side. I lost almost 9 days of NO running at all. Only several days ago have I been able to gingerly begin to run again.
I have managed to miss all of my "warm up" races due to injury. I did toe the line at one pretzel city race which was a fairly flat 30k. I ran a personally disappointing 5th place. All in all that is nothing to be ashamed about and I am not. But I expected better out of myself honestly. Granted I was running with a bunch of great runners so the competition was not soft. But in the end I wanted to do better.
So here I am hardly able to run faster than a 10 min. mile without my stomach muscle screaming at me. A week from today I have a 50 mile race which is essential to getting into my 100 mile goal race! To say I have no confidence is an understatement. I have negative confidence honestly.Personally I don't have much confidence in life as a whole. It's funny how running often mimics what is going on in my life. The only thing I can cling to is my history of who I am as a person, the training that I have done and hope in whats yet to come. Assuming my stomach continues to get better over the coming days I am going to go into my first 50 mile race the most unconfident and honestly somewhat scared runner I can be.
Just as in life right now I don't have any confidence I am still willing to push forward exposed and scared. This race will be much the same. I will run hard.. I will run as hard as I can. In doing this I will expose who I am for all to see. Without confidence or security I will push forward. I am hopeful that
in taking the plunge into insecurity,vulnerability and the unknown a unique story will be created. One that could be created no other way. A story that is not shallow in it's meaning nor ordinary in it's flow.
I look forward to this risk only in hoping to discover something that I do not have. I stumble so often in being a blessing to others in this life. In my weakness this coming week may I find the tools in life that I so desperately need.

A New Day

Its 7:52pm and I am in Rochester,NY for work. These last several days have been a roller coaster of emotion for me.
I do not travel well alone. I get horribly homesick which causes great angst in my soul. To the point of racing heart beats while at rest and moments of subtle panic. I miss my family. I miss the smell of our home and the conversation that comes and goes.
When I am struggling emotionally and lacking sleep which I was yesterday I get short term depression and just a general overall sullen coating. I made it through the first day of work training and b-lined to a local park that I found about 8 miles from my hotel to the only medicine I have known to settle my soul and bring some sense to whatever ails my heart.
Over the last several months I have written extensively about injury,emotionally struggling with running and life in general. These last several weeks I have very honestly felt a strong questioning of what running is to me,my life and what impact is has. I DO know there are many positives that come from it but I also know negatives come along for the ride also.
As with anything in this life there is always a price to pay for something. Always. My running is no exception. Over the last several weeks it has slowly suck in the price I pay for the joy which is running to me.
I shall just list out a few observations and random thoughts that have been in constant loop mode in my mind while toiling away at the craft of long distance running:
-i have a nagging sore inner left ankle where the deltoid ligament attaches to my ankle bone that I did "something" to about 4 years ago. It constantly hurts me especially the longer I run and the weekly miles begin to stack up. I have found better running form with NO heal strike helps it tremendously and has slowly reduced its painful presence. But it is always there humbling my soul.
-my body does not recover well and i am slowly learning to listen to it's subtle clues of when I can push and when I cannot.
-i have felt older than dirt and creakier than an old wood floor over the past several months.
-my time away while running makes me feel selfish and self centered at times.
-i struggle with finding balance in my life.
-tendons are a nightmare to heal.
-when I cannot run at all i feel a large spiritual piece of my soul is missing. it's the piece i felt church should have always filled but never did.
-i cry a lot in the woods alone.
-i am very shy when it comes to my innermost parts and who I am. i am sensitive to a fault
- geoff roes said it one of his latest blog entries. train by instinct. more and more with constant daily toil there is a primal instinct that can guide that has been hushed by the noise of this modern world. like a sixth sense. it takes lots and lots of work to find it. at times i do find it.
-derek inspires me with his gutsy runs. not by his placement in races but in his determination to be something more than he can see.

Yesterday I ran 6 miles in the evening. I ran roughly 12 min. miles. My inner ankle hurt. My right calf had two strains in it. I could massage and find the exact spots where the soreness was. I was worried it would turn into the nightmare of my achilles tendon. I am worn out from my job and my personal life. I was tired. The woods seems devoid of any joy. I was devoid of any joy. I was empty inside.

After that run on the way home I decided to give up. To close up the shop that is my running. I had done what I could do.
Time to move on an find a new groove to bring long term sense to these three dimensions. I went home…. ate and slept.
I slept well. Something that has not come easily to me over these last few years. I suffer from long term stress in personal areas of my life. I suspect they disrupt my soul and my sleep. I know they do but I don't want to admit it.
Someone who I consider a gift from god Jim Rayburn seems to say things that always come as screaming truth, lit up as midday summer sun. Today is a new day Jim says. Sure everyday is, but when looked at in a deeper sense some days are truly a "new day" as Jim speaks of.
You could say a day of salvation, a day all wrongs are washed away and things are set right in the unseen world. I got up this morning at 6am. Ate wonderful food at the hotel and had wonderful coffee. It was a gift that almost brought tears to my eyes. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I felt a warm burning inside. All my trouble had not gone away. But all my troubles were seen as they are. Temporary. They still hurt,they still need to be dealt with but ONE day they will be right. No longer a burden of wrong.

I walked out to the minivan and proceeded in the early morning mist of Rochester,Ny . I ran the exact same 6 mile loop I had run the day before. The first mile was nothing special. I left my heart monitor at home. I wore my watch only for the time. Broke a sweat and said screw my ankle and screw my heart rate. The yellow morning sun breaking down the nighttime mist warming the bright green moss burnt off my burdens. I ran with my soul. The lonesome rhythm of a train in a far away hollow up in the mountains I ran.
6 miles were done I was covered in sweat and I slowed to a walk about a quarter mile from the van parked in the dusty dirt lot. i thought a million thoughts in some far away place deep down in my soul. A person I am only beginning to learn of. This person handed me hope. Gave me courage to go on and a path to follow. This is always gonna hurt but if it didn't it wouldn't mean so much. It seams the joke is on pain because without it there could be no joy. In the end good wins.

Today was a new day. A good day. I miss my family. I miss home. I am happy I have a home to miss. Its not perfect but what I have is better than not having at all. I ran for my family this afternoon. I ran for my daughters hope in her life to unfold. I ran for the pain of my relationships and the struggle that is very real i them. I cried and I ran. Alone in the woods it came alive. I came alive. I felt no pain from my ankle… i felt no pain in my calves. I felt no pain at all. All of my pain was doused onto the flame of my soul like a steam engine under pressure my legs moved as the train. Rhythm rolling along. I ran the fastest and longest I have run in 6 months this evening. I have more hope than I have had in a long time.
I am ready for the new day.

Bloom

Tucked away there are secret spots in the woods. Worlds in themselves within a world made from thousands of elements
to produce an early flower, to grow moss where there would be none. It seems in life we stumble onto these secret spots not only in the woods but in our own personal journeys.

We find ourselves looking around asking the questions "how did i get here" and "how is this possible". Those are the times the secret spots are found. I suspect there is no formula that can be built nor information distilled down to explain this phenomena. They are built from an infinite amount of ingredients. For me personally, when I find myself within these moments it is precisely the time that i feel most alive.

If I were to describe as best I can what triggers these moments it would be angle and movement. Something about moving on an angle that is special to me. Many times during a run in the woods as the hills come and go leaning forward and back stepping side to side a door will open wide. Fully unexpected I see these secret spots. This is exactly what happened while running last night.

What did I find? Flowers in full bloom. Something wonderful. Like a baby tucked away safe and sound in a bassinet so were these flowers. Blessings of extra sun,extra water running off the nearby hill. Protected from the cool winds by a large stone. I also found myself now part of this secret spot.

The rest of my run I found spirit,hope,curiosity,inspiration,comfort,wonder and excitement from my brief encounter with the secret spot of the woods. I was thankful there are secret spots. The unknowns in life. They are not to be dreaded but approached with excitement and curiosity. So many times I find myself dreading the unknown or at least a feeling of uneasiness. But this should not be so. That is life. The discovery of the unknown. When the unknown is found for that moment life is seen and you are alive.

Sprung

Just a quick side note. I am giving up Facebook. I was going to do it cold turkey but am running into some very real issues of getting "real" contacts from friends. So looks like I will have to taper my usage over time to tidy up loose ends.
So anyway…
Derek is a runnin fool. Get almost daily updates on his training. He is speeding along and staying healthy. Can't wait to cheer him on at Hat Run tomorrow. I suspect if his soul is right he can win the race. I spoke to him last night about it. I could hear doubt in his voice upon the suggestion but I know Derek as a runner. I know his spirit and its strong. He has the beast inside. If he is hungry and in no mood it will be time to eat. Look for Derek to eat up tomorrow! Best to you Brother Derek. I know what you are and it is good.
As for me since my last entry. Many things have changed. Sure enough slow and steady. Mod'ing my running style continues. The healing of my tendons continues. The healing of my mind continues. Within those things that grind daily moments of flow have come.
Just as the sap of the trees, the water in the rivers and the copious amounts of sun are bursting at the seams so does it seem the spirt of running is starting to flow in me. I have been spending a good bit of time in the woods again on a daily basis and find over time if you do this some sort of rhythm begins to unfold between myself and nature. The way the trees lean, the way the wind blows. The way the litter on the forest floor mingles with the delicate sprouts working hard to grow. I too mingle with these things. They are in me and I in them.
Derek and I were speaking yesterday about those moments in a run… when through the forefoot and the ground comes an electric energy. When as you push on the ground the ground pushes on you propelling you forward. When all thoughts stop,time stands still and you are one with the trail. Entranced in a wonderful dance. Flowing without effort one no more than the other. The balance we so often search for in life is found. It is an honor for me and I know Derek would say the same. This gift that there are no real words for. At least no words that adequately describe.
This weekend will be filled with life's turmoil. This weekend will be filled with life's gifts. I hope to live this weekend like it will be my last. I cannot help but to be inspired to do my best by the the spring. The tree's, plants and animals doing their best to be prepared to survive and thrive. I hope that everyone lives this weekend to their best.
Happy Friday,
Jess

Fuel

Inspiration can drive. Inspiration can paralyze. Inspiration can alter time. Inspiration can do many things but I find to be a constant pouring from inspiration is fuel. Inspiration is a stimulus.

To me what is most fascinating about inspiration is it's source. Where does it flow from? Seems to me inspiration is found in the folds of life. Both in the folds of physical objects but also within the chemical reactions of our own minds. But how is it released from these folds?

As the sun shown across my body and the wind blew across my face I found myself standing next to one of these folds. It had opened right before me. Gliding along its smell and taste filled my lungs. More than anything I wanted to see it. Once removed as is always the case I could not.

Often in these moments I wonder is this what perfection is? Is this what perfection feels like? Hidden in the folds of this so often "dirty" life that we all know and these "dirty" people we all are is perfection tucked away just enough to keep a refreshing reminder of what could be?
WIth that said most of you know the Local Natives music has been one of these folds of perfection to me. While I ran wondering if I would ever see inspiration these lyrics came to mind:

"Quietly he sat between the folds of a tree trunk
Oh to see it with my own eyes
All the men of faith and men of science had their questions
Could it ever be on earth as it is in heaven"

I am not here to suggest my beliefs about heaven,soul,god or life. I only know what I am. I only know my personal feelings and experience. Within that structure I DO often wonder about life outside of the three dimensions we seem bound to. Inspiration to me this day was a peek into a dimension I cannot go. A world that I do not know. Only a place I wish to see.
Happy Weekend Everyone,
Jess

Migration

It seems I was being covered in reminders that the season of migration is upon us. At least in the small world of south central pa. Driving up to Reading,Pa this past sunday morning, every direction my eyes looked towards saw the signs of movement and change.
From the sky it was large bird migrations and the familiar distant squawk and quack that goes along with that type of thing. The winter wheat was beginning to turn green. A fresh new pale green. The soil moist and dark. As I past over the great Susquehanna River it was full of the muddy early spring flood waters. Pumping new life into what is to come.
Even the angle of the sun deeply resonated with some primal part of my being reminding me of this season of migration. There are no words for me to describe the movement inside these visual clues cause. I only know they are real and bring up a well of rather unusual emotions. Some happy, some sad and some just so. A sort of anticipation for something you don't fully understand.
My run this weekend with Derek was very much like the season of migration. As were the conversations, sights and sounds at the Ugly Mudder trail race. Something was resonating inside of me. The primal me. The part that I do not fully understand myself. Full of emotions from one end to the other I was. I thought about my family and what they mean to me. I thought about how each of us is so very different yet all human. I thought about struggle and the creations that come from such a thing. I felt passion and I felt alone.
I honestly cannot distill everything down and make full sense of it. Not yet. But I do know these were feelings predicting something yet to come. I guess in a sense I felt in a rather abstract way, my own migration to a place I have yet to come to.
Thanks Derek,Leon,Larry,Jason,Eric,Helene and others I may be forgetting for adding depth to my life this weekend that would otherwise not have been.
Jess

For those of you that wanted to see

I had a few questions directed to me regarding the stairclimber that I have been training on while letting my tendon heal. I have a really crappy video of me at the gym climbing. I think this was shot about 2 hours into a 2.5 hour climb so things are pretty sweaty and gross but a visual is always nice.
Hoping that these long climbs will give me the endurance and strength I need for successful hill running once I am back in the swing of things.
So... here you go:

Instantly Slow

Finally have a few moments to make an entry about the adventure of running and of life in general. Where was I last entry? Oh yes form, food and function. One item I neglected to touch on in my last post was time.
Some things just take time. In this quick fix instant gratification culture we are all so immersed in time and the art of waiting seems to be frowned upon at best and more typically is scoffed. I am finding the cliche' saying of "good things come to those who wait" is more times than not, very true. Of course you may find yourself in moments of "carpe diem " and by all means do so when the time is right. But for me i see the art of utilizing slow time as the bread of life and quick movement the salt.
A little salt goes along way and can really bring things alive but too much and your left with a very unfriendly situation.
I have been waiting. Very un patiently at times but waiting non the less. Hoping in the things unseen. It has been hard for me. But growth typically is. I do believe over the last several months I have learned a lot about myself, mentally. But also about life in general. I read somewhere the other day about passion of life as we age and train. In the latter stages you don't train so much from pure raw passion but train smart from your mind. While doing so you realize you ARE getting older and know time is short so your passion arises from your mind. I probably butchered the original text but it is true for me.
So much of my past in life has been shooting from the hip with passion. Sometimes good but more times than not it was ineffective. I feel over the last several months I have begun to shoot with my mind. Taking time to think. Taking time to be smart. This is a rather simple idea now that I type it out but applying it in daily life for me is both difficult and new. I stumble almost daily in trying but that is good. I hope my mental passion stays focused and willing to try.
Have I been able to run? After a pretty difficult last week covered in the sickness of strep throat I emerged running. Fast? No. Long? No. Consistently? yes. Slow running consistently means time to think. Think about my passion and what it is. How it can positively be played out in the time I am spared on this earth. So the creative process develops for me. One of the many reasons I love to run.
I have run every day since last saturday. Two blissful muddy trail runs followed by road runs daily during lunch at work. Been leaving the watch at home. Been leaving any ideas of what the run should be checked at the door. I savor the slow unfolding of the trip. I enjoy the doing. Thinking not of the end. In this a rhythm of thought and motion rather abstract ideas about life and all that it is to me reveal themselves.
This is what my running is to me right now. It is not about miles. It is not about speed. It is about being. It is about a rhythm no words describe. As i reflect on this I am so grateful for this gift. I am thankful for my broken body. I am thankful for the mind that I have. I am also thankful I am not alone. For being alone would take away all depth and meaning.
I remember on a run some years ago during the summer night. The moon was full and wonderful as often it is during this time. But the beauty was lonely. I felt deep sadness inside. Life is meant to be shared. Anyone want to come along for a run?

Nuts and Bolts

Since my last entry a few things have changed. No mental breakthroughs or abstract musings. Really it's just been very square. I was able to break my personal best in dead lifting at the gym this past Saturday. I was also able to break total miles climbed on the stairclimber at the gym. I did a 1 hour 30 min session and climbed over 500 floors. So fitness is coming along. Well at least gym fitness.

I was able to run today during lunch. I am really enjoying working on my stride,footing and overall symmetry. I have really been able to lock into a solid forefoot landing in my flats. I am finding it's helping a nagging ligament issue in my left inner ankle that has been painful for years now. Seems the forefoot landing helps reduce pronation on my left side which is the cause of the ligament pain. I did not expect this. I am finding I am able to run further and further without breaking form or feeling uncomfortable keeping it.

My tendon was not grumpy at all during my run at lunch today. Today was the first day I was able to run my 5 mile loop in the city without one single tinge of pain. Granted I have been really being sure to keep the pace slow and the form solid. But I am seeing glimpses of possible what is to come. Healing.

My hope is this "step back" from fast running and taking time not only to sort out my running form issues but also inflexibility issues will dividends in the long term. As I progress through this little project it's becoming apparent to me what happened over this last racing season. I was running more miles per week than I ever had. I was running this miles faster than I ever had. Those two things revealed deficiencies in my form that were not apparent at lower mileage/slower mileage of past.

I thought about cars today while running. Low horsepower slower cars can get away with unbalanced wheels,unbalanced internal engine components. But start adding horsepower and speed and those things become crucial in keeping things together. I suspect the human body is much like that. Balance,strength are essential in keeping things together. Along with good fuel.

That is one of the other items on my hit list to fully sort. My diet outside of racing is solid. But during racing it's lacking. I am rather inconsistent in eating while racing and typically wait WAY too long before ingesting calories. This has caused serious issues for me in the longer races. I just cannot recoup calories lost and I end up bonking hard towards the end of the race. So on some of my longer climbs at the gym on the stair climber I am beginning to see how my body reacts to gels,food ect ect. Watch how long it takes me to bonk. How long it takes for a gel to restore my energy after I bonk. I need to really find out how often,when and how many I need to maintain consistent energy without overdoing the food intake. This is going to take some time to sort.

So anyway I am going to try and run everyday this week during lunch and continue to hit the gym after work. Hopefully at some point I can begin to nix the gym in the AM and cut way back on weight training and begin to train for running and not gym fitness!

I do know that Derek's training is also coming along very well. He is WAY ahead of me in fitness and speed. It will be interesting to see how his training and mine shake out over the coming months. Though we are VERY similar when racing Derek's training is VERY VERY different than mine. Always amazing me how different the formula can be for each runner yet can yield fantastic results. Ah the art of the run!

Slow Spirit Brings Creativity

I have not written much in the last two weeks. This is for several reasons but primarily I have just not had any constructive comments to make. Nor have I been moved inside by something worthy of mention. After yesterdays lunchtime road run I felt enough movement had been made to make an entry.

Over the last two weeks I continue to battle with my tendon issue. It is getting better. Just very slowly. I want more than anything for it to be healed. I want to run races. I want to dig deep into training and peel away all that is me and enter into the silence calm world I am driven into when pushing hard. But I cannot.
I have been attempting to take steps back, slow down and learn. Learn from this forced reduction in intensity.

A few things are becoming apparent to me. Number one is NEVER take anything you love or enjoy for granted. I know this is cliche' to say but it really is true. My mind can know this but my heart may not feel it. My heart has been feeling it. An example was while running in the melting snow earlier this week I purposely ran through each puddle of slush and snow soaking my feet. To feel the cool water in my shoes brought a calmness over my soul that I cannot explain. A joy there are no words for. Remember the joy of skipping as a child feeling light as a feather? or the feeling of a safe place and a soft bed after a hard days play as a child? It was similar to that. During the run I was awash in small subtle joys that I should never take for granted.

Number two is through adversity can come creativity. I have had to find ways to stay fit,keep positive and work with my tendon issue. Through this I have discovered flaws in my running form. Weakness in certain areas of my body. I have found the joy of taking time to stretch and become flexible. For the first time in my life I have almost touched my head to my knees while bending forward! Mentally I have also become more creative in staying positive in setbacks,failures and focus. By no means am I great at these things, but I do believe I am making moves in a positive direction.

Finally I am being refreshed in humbleness. I believe we all at some point build this bubble of who we are and where we stand in the pecking order in various parts of this life on earth. At times this can be productive in measuring progress but at times it can also bind you and blind you into thinking you are something you are not. Or someone that is better than something else. This type of thinking is detrimental to both my own personal growth but more importantly to the personal growth of those around you. In slowing down while running these thoughts have trickled in from somewhere I do not know. I am sure they would not have done so if I were able to run as hard as I would like.

You may ask what does this have to do with running? Well running for me personally is as much of a test physically as it is emotionally. When I combine the physical with the emotional I come up with life. I am thankful there is a tool called running to discover the mysteries of life. My hope is I am able to take these discoveries and apply them positively to both myself but also to my family,friends and anyone I may come into contact with. The spirit that is inside the music of the Local Natives has brought such wonderful creativity in their latest album. I would suspect they took time to slow down and focus when creating such fantastic music.


The nuts and bolts of the last two weeks:
Running: Roughy 20 miles a week. Slow on roads.
Gym: Lifting weights in the am
Gym: Stairclimber in the pm.
I weighted myself at the gym for the heck of it. 156 pounds.
Progress to note: If I run today during lunch I will have run daily for the last 5 days. This is a first since October
I successfully beat my PR of total vertical miles climbed in an hour on the stairclimber at the gym. I just about barfed while doing so!

Cocoon

The snow has covered the terrain that was once brown, beaten down and dead.
A cocoon of white has tucked it away. Holding it closely waiting for a new day. When all that was old is young. When all that was brown blooms of color in every hue.

The snow has become my cocoon. Weather I like it or not I have become tucked into its grasp. Each step is labored and more intense. Each climb more difficult. It's cold snapping inside of me breath by breath. Slowly pushing me towards something I have yet to understand or see.

Within the grip of the winter cocoon I am being made new. In spite of it's burden on me there is beauty to be found. Sure it's hard, sure it hurts but there is purity in it's white. There is comfort in its hush on the woods. There is encouragement in the sight of seed pods scattered across it's crust. Encouragement of things to come.

I want to fight this burden. But I know it's necessary for things to be as they should. To be renewed we must go through the seasons. Each has its blessings in a unique way. It can be hard to remember this when looking directly at it. But if your thoughts can reflect off the snow as the sun you may find yourself flying in the sky. You may find something you never thought possible.

For me personally it seems winters cocoon has not only taken hold of my running but has also taken hold of my life. I want to rebel against it. But if I try and look at it from a positive perspective it IS good for me. It will bring growth if I choose to be part of it. I want to grow as a runner but also as a person.

Over the last several days as is often the case music seems to come to my mind. Almost the feelings I have or sights that I see made audible in music. Sparklehorse
has long been one of those bands that come to my mind when in deep thought or in times of inner struggle. During my run today their song Pain Birds kept creeping into my thoughts. As a matter of fact this song often appears on my lips when suffering tremendously while racing. I miss Mark Linkous. I wish he could have gotten past his winter burden. I am thankful he flew while reflecting off the snow.

Like Water

Of course I have ideas of how the coming months of my life shall go. Thoughts of I will do this, I will do that. More than ever today I realized this is just not how it is. I can tell you my body is not where I thought it would be right now. My thoughts are not what I expected. My emotions are mixing in such a way that I come up with more questions than answers.

I personally find it hard to hold on to anything when everything is constantly moving. Life is moving even if I am not. Being bound to life, in not moving I actually am. Just as I had no choice in being brought into this rather strange concept of life so am I bound to it's constant movement. Tumbling like water down a steep mountain grade bumping from rock to rock.

I felt like water bumping into rocks tumbling down a mountain side yesterday. Unable to stop, I constantly pushed forward not fully understanding why. One person to the next one step in front of the other my body cut through the dimensions I have been built to move in. Overwhelmed with the abstract reality of life. I do not understand. In order to keep perspective I needed to accept the not understood so as to not loose focus becoming tied up in it's mystery.

As I am being moving through the journey down the mountain tumbling from rock to rock seemingly haphazardly I suspect there will come a time when the mystery is pulled back even for just a moment to reveal the reality that has been such an unknown to me. The not understood makes sense. I needed to tumble to be purified. I needed to flow to come to a place I did not know could be.

The end spilling into a lake of the unknown a stillness will come. A time to think and see. All around me other waters who have also spilled becoming more than we could have been alone. A home for others to dwell. Doing what we were prepared for, an unknown we knew so well.

I am spilling down the mountain side right now. Each rock I bump into reminds me that I do not understand. But I am hoping of that lake I will eventually land.

The video that is part of this post is the "flowing" which I do not understand. Every time I listen to Coco Rosie they seem to make in music many of the feelings I have about the "flow" of life and how it is a mystery. So unique at times I can only sit back in wonder saying nothing.

Food for Thought

Over the last several days I have waffled from unbridled hope to a barren wind blown low with no hope in sight. I am doing my best to exercise the long term vision of training. Hoping in the unseen resting in doing what I am capable of doing at the moment. But I have to be honest I keep wondering at my current running ability how will I EVER get back to my previous running ability and then some??

This type of thinking has stalked me like a starving animal in the night. I had one of the toughest workouts  on the stairclimber last night that I have ever had. But just when I was about to break,give up and bag it for the day a friend of mine who is actually the one who got me into racing plopped down next to me on the other stairclimber and said Howdy and I said Hi! Jeremy was just the person I needed to see at that very moment. What a gift his smiling face and conversation was. I finished my work out hurting but strong.

Then after this mornings weight lifting session while driving to work I had these feelings of "how pathetic am I to think what I am doing now will even remotely help me reach the goal of running not only 100 miles but winning the race. I kept pushing those thoughts off knowing even if they were true what good did they do me? During this struggle I received a text on my phone. Who was it? Mister Jim Rayburn. For those of you that do not know, Jim has been the biggest blessing to me both from a training, running standpoint but more so as someone who unlocked inside of me what I could not undo. Jim showed me how to become more than I thought I could be both in life and running.

His text read something like… "keep on running when you can, you will be back before you know it" What an awesome message to receive. Especially considering the thoughts I was struggling with at the time. He then proceeded to ask "wanna go for a slow run on thursday around 4?" 

At that very moment I realized that what I am doing now is all that I can do. One day on top of another they blend. I give my very best each day with that I have to offer. With honesty and no corners cut, the days WILL add up. Each day is a creation. Each day is an expression. Over time they will unfold and out the other side will come my goal. I will be free to rest in knowing I did my best. 

Will I win the race? Will I even complete it? I am going to do everything I can to make sure they both will happen. But my hope is in my daily dedication that even IF neither comes to be true I can walk away satisfied having lived truth and honesty. Jim is a true friend. Jeremy is a true friend. Seems fitting they showed up at just the right time. At the time I was doubting all that is right. My days on top of days are not just me. They are my friends. They are my family. They are the woods. They are the food I eat. They are the story, the drama and the hope. 

My hope is that as I learn these lessons with regards to training for Pine to Palm 100 I will be able to apply the same honesty,creativity,hope and passion to other areas of my life. I want to be more honest. I want to have more hope. I want to have more passion. I want the dream to unfold. Rich, right and good.

Cheers,

Jess

Finesse

I was presented with the choice of running or not running today. Well the question was not if I was going running. The question was my Achilles up to running? It seems this injury is going to really take some time to get over. It's been since early November that it occurred. If you do not know I had not injured my achilles running rather I injured it at the gym doing calf raises.
Then in late mid to late November I went to Italy for work. Being in the alps of northern Italy I HAD to go for a run. Should I have done so? Absolutely not! I had two large lumps from the tears and was in no shape to be running let alone climbing some 3,000 plus feet up then down in a short 7 mile run. But I just had to.
I know that run set me back substantially.
So here I am now early January. Is the tendon getting better? Yes. But it's by no means healed. There is still swelling. There is a squeaky sound that it makes when I have worked it too hard. All signs that it still deserves my attention and respect. The lumps are no longer, I just have an overall swelling. This is common in this type of injury and is not a good sign.
So I have been attempting to run only as fast and only as far as I can without pain.
It's a fine line between doing what is right and pushing hard to move forward and heal and pushing too hard and degrading long term progress. I am having a tough time finding the line.
Much like in life I can want to just take out a sledge hammer and beat things into place. If I cannot finesse them then I will just beat on them hard enough and long enough until they work. Over and over I have seen this be completely ineffective and does nothing but give me an unhealthy outlet to vent my anger and frustration.
With this injury I really am trying to find that finesse that soft often eludes me in life. Both in running but also life in general. There is a beauty in someone who can take the time to think before they act. Put a well educated plan in place and adjust on the fly as need be.
As many of you are runners, know that running and it's uncanny similarity to the task of living life in this world. So many parallels that at times it's almost creepy.
Does god have some sort of hidden humor in planting parallels to life in the pain of running? I like to think so. It seems in the pain of running you are pushed back into a silent place that brings into pinpoint focus all of life,all of your decisions and emotions making sense of them.
Yeah I ran today. I made a calculated plan. Making sure I was willing to adjust as need be. I so much wanted to find the finesse in this little run that I so often lack in the larger scale of life as a whole. I set out on the same loop I have done for the last several days. It was a chance to discover my finesse.
I pulled on my gloves,slid on my hat and trotted out of my works parking lot. The idea was to run only as fast as I could with no pain. If pain occurred take note of foot position,speed and terrain. Back off the speed until it went away and make that the norm. Constantly adjusting as need be on downhills and uphills. The snow and ice on the roads and sidewalks kept my mind busy on one level. On the the other level over and over in my head I said "focus jesse,listen and adjust". At any moment if I could not make the pain go away I would stop and turn around.
Before I knew it I had run 4 miles. When your in that zone of "thinking" while running for me it almost becomes a trance. Faces I saw are the street were in slow motion. Just a blip of feeling and emotion then erased to allow room for the focus inside. When I had run 4 miles I took inventory. How was my tendon feeling?
It felt no worse than when I had left.
Slipped back inside work. Hit the shower. Stretched. Cleaned up and had some lunch at my desk. As i sit here typing this I have an ice pack on my tendon. I want to make sure I am doing all I can to help things. I learned today that if I take the time to be attune to what is going on, take inventory of my options, weight the risk and take action there can be well thought out progress. I can find that finesse in life I so often miss. I hope I can continue these thoughts and put away the sledge hammer I so often reach for. More times than not it leaves nothing but a beat up mess.
Happy Friday,
Jess

Strong Hope

Hope is a funny thing. You cannot directly see it. You may be able to see the results of it. What are those results? More times than not they manifest themselves as progress towards some sort of goal. This may be a very tangible thing such as a task being completed or work being done. But the hope I am after results in emotional progress. To me emotional progress is deeper than "works" progress. Hope gives meaning when there is non to find in your current state. Hope gives you the will to keep picking up a piece here, a shred there even when you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into an unknown.
I thought a lot about hope while I ran during lunch today. My injuries still biting at my soul. Injuries both physically but also mentally. I thought about how can I have hope when one day even though I think at times I will escape it, death shall come. Without having hope NOW I am already dead. I will have no progress. When one is broken to the core and has lost every shred of hope life stops. I thought about all of the struggles each one of us has. Both visually but more important mentally. I know myself I can be cold,proud,arrogant and angry. Hope is found in non of those things. It is found in joy,truth,love and many times struggle.
At the end of my run I began to think about how important it is to be full of hope. Hope of things yet unseen, yet to come. This may sound like wishful thinking but I think there is great strength to be found in hope. A gentle steady strength. One hope built on top of another an inner strength comes. It does not come quickly and takes constant work. As anything of value in this life it's not easy. Life is hard. Hope is hard. But life is valuable and so is hope.
Though I found myself wanting to set timelines,specific goals and expectations today about my progress I know I need to step back and look long term. I need to hope not in the short term but in the long term of the unseen. Not that it's wrong to look short term and constantly look at your goals. But your goals can begin to rule you and smother hope. Today I have begun to explore the art of finding balance in keeping an eye on the short term,the long term and trusting in the unknown hoping in things yet seen.

Blah blah blah Training Blah blah blah

Yesterdays athletic endeavors have left me feeling sore today. In the early hour I did deadlifts,various cable rows,stretching and overhead bench press. I also spent about 15 minutes for warm up on the elliptical. In the afternoon I decided to run 5 road miles during lunch at work. For the first time in months I ran. Ended up doing 5 miles at 7 minutes per mile pace. Not race pace but no longer "jogging". I felt like the wind. Let me tell you feeling like the wind is a good good thing. 

In the afternoon I was back at the gym. Did 55 minutes on the stairclimber. Total of 3 minutes running on it. My legs were pretty spent from the gym and then running during lunch. They were fully toasted when I stepped of the climber.

This morning I hit the gym as usual. Did 15 minutes on the elliptical then spent the rest of the hour lifting weights and stretching. I did cable pulldowns,zortman curls,single leg crunches on the crunch machine. Also did a bit of core work. All in all I had a really solid workout this am.

This afternoon will be more of the same evening workout I had yesterday. I plan on doing 50 minutes to an hour on the stairclimber. I will most likely not run on it this evening. After yesterdays semi hard run during lunch coupled with running on the stair climber in the evening my achilles was a bit sore today. Nothing horrible but it let me know that he needed a break today. I really really wanted to run during lunch today. But I am trying to exercise restraint and get healed up. Looks like I will be able to run every other day on the road for the coming weeks. Hopefully Late next week I will begin to run daily during lunch.

If I can get a good run in daily during lunch then hit the stairclimber in the evening that is a solid 2 hours a day of fairly intense cardio. I hope that will begin to bring some of the fitness back that I have lost. At this point I cannot imagine being ready for the Hat Run 50k in mid March but I have to trust in the progress I will see as my training moves forward. When your low it's hard to remember what it's like to be high.

Cheers,

Jess

The old and new

Today was a bit different than other days have been as far as exercise,running is concerned. First of all I have changed up my weight lifting/gym work outs. Want to make sure my body does not get to use to what it does. After some lengthy conversations with Derek about IT band issues I have decided to focus a bit more on stretching and building up my gluteus medius muscle. Apparently a weak gluteus medius can cause major IT issues due to the hip alignment being off during the stance faze when running. 

This morning I incorporated a bit more stretching targeting hip and hamstring flexibility. I can say I am almost embarrassed about how tight I am. I can hardly spread my legs from front to back at 90 degrees! Not good. Not good at all. 

I have also started really upping the weight for my compound exercises such as deadlift,squat and good morning. I broke my squat record with 240 pounds and deadlifted on an elevated platform this morning 210 pounds.

I am hoping that increasing flexibility and increased muscle mass will serve me well in the coming months as I begin to run more. On a more exciting note I was able for the FIRST time since October 2nd to run hard. Well not race pace hard, but I was able to run and not jog.  I did 5 miles during lunch today on the roads and averaged 7min per mile which is light years ahead of what I have been able to do. I was actually able to outpace my cardio capacity. I have not done that in months. 

While running today I noticed if I focus on powering out of the ball of my foot and keeping myself very upright I have NO IT Band issues at all. I am thinking my IT band problem was a result of the following. Tight hips and hamstrings. Weak gluteus medius muscles manifesting themselves in poor form. If I overcome the poor form everything seems to click. It also helps that I am able to push off at least a little bit without fear of achilles pain. They are a little tight after todays run but nothing like they have been after shorter easier runs.

I cannot express how thankful I am that at last I am seeing real progress in my physical condition. I have to admit I was beginning to really waver about me actually becoming a runner again. But after today it is still there. It is still part of who I am.

I have been thinking a lot about friends,family and life as most do this time of year. Sort of taking inventory of everything that is my life. While visiting my grandparents yesterday I was lost in the darkness of the countryside. The only illumination was the occasional light on in a barn helping the farmer get the evening milking done. It was so simple and uncluttered. Steady,solid and unwavering. My grandparents lives are coming to a close. They are both nearing 90. They have been pillars in my life. They are the darkness that sits still in the countryside. They are the dim light helping the work that needs to be done get done. They are not flashy. They just are. Waiting and ready. Solid as steel and as tender as the cool evening breeze.

I dedicate my training and running to them. Solid,firm and unwavering they are. The old guard will eventually be passed to me. May I be worthy enough someday to at least partially fill their shoes for the sake of others as they have done for me.

_Jess

Year in review.....

Man.... what a year!!!

Last year, my New Years resolution was to 'cut back on racing so much'!! That did't go so well (I think I lasted maybe 10 minutes! Thanks Greg!)

As I reviewed the miles, and calculated stats of 2010, I reminisced about some of the great adventures I had! All the traveling, the people I met along the way, the excitement of sharing crazy adventures with close friends, achieving the emotional highs and also overcoming the dark depths of the lows. Though this past year was not as productive as I would of wanted, I feel confident that everything about the year was a success!

My goals for 2011 changed throughout the many adventures I had in 2010. It was just about 14 months ago that I did my first ULTRA (Blues Cruise). My good friend Alex Barth gave me the 'nudge' about ultras that Spring. I was not sold on that thought of running more than a marathon at that time, and still enjoyed the cities and pavement. Alex drug me to my next couple of ultras (lets be honest, it doesnt take much to twist my arm! all he had to do was mention he was doing one, and I was there!) I was falling in love with long distance, and even more with trails!

As much as I love being alone in the woods, with nothing but the trail beneath me, I rather enjoyed having some great friends to share in the many adventures! One of my main 'partner in crime' friends was Greg! It was almost like peer pressure "I will do it if you do!" - This, created many stories and lots of laughs, and some really stupid situations! Really stupid!! Even hiking this past fall we got in a stupid situation- But we survived to do it again another time!

So... with over 40 races accomplished last year, I was able to complete 6 marathons (2 of which I ran with my dad! an experience I will never forget!!) and 7 Ultras. I ran in my first 12 HR Endurance run, and was probably the feeling I had during a race the whole year!! I completed my first Masochist 50 miler- probably the toughest part of any adventure I ever faced- This is where my IT band decided it was done, at the half way point! I raced on the Blue Ridge Mountains in NC and Virginia, the Rocky Terrain of North NJ, along side the Susquehanna River, on the beautiful Laurel Highlands Hiking Trail in Ohiopyle PA, and on the magnificent mountains and trails of Bend OR. Making many new friends along the way.

So as the year was coming to a close, and I rest my tired legs and injured IT band, I wanted to approach 2011 different. After watching Tim Olson finish first across the finish line of the torrential downpour of the  Pine to Palm 100, I knew I wanted to take on that awesome adventure. But with the way I approached my training in 2010, I know I needed to find some help (not mentally... I think!) I sought out Coach Ian Torrence from McMillian Running for his training and expertise for the upcoming year. I am really looking forward to seeing what is in store for this upcoming year!

I watched the ball drop, and rung in the new year, talking and sharing about past and soon to be future accomplishments. That positive feeling left me inspired, and motivated, and ready for the new year- Later that morning, I went for a trail run with Jesse and some of his running buddies out his way! There were brief periods that I felt strong and fluid, like I was dancing on the rocks and up the hills. Starting off the year right both physically and mentally!

First Sunrise of the year!


I am very excited about this year, and having a training brother to share it with. Crazy to think we have both had the same injury, same side of the leg, with the same weak Glut Medius Muscle. I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy Adventurous New Year!!!

Derek-

One day down 259 to go

So today was the first "official" day of training for Pine to Palm 100. To celebrate this day Derek made his way down to southern Pennsylvania for a nice 7.4 mile trail run and then a bit of good food.
As many of you know today is also the first day of not shaving for 259 days! Derek will grow a mustache and I will be growing a beard! Should be interesting in the warm months.
So nothing new to report other than my IT Band can still be grumpy at times but the stretching seems to be helping.
Derek seemed to have no issues at all today other than slight weakness in his legs which may be due to not running much in the last several weeks.
So a few pics of us now. Hopefully we are much prettier after our 100 mile race :)
Happy New Year,
Jesse and Derek