Running to 100 Store

Friday, August 19, 2011

Weakness Comes Soul

Many many things have changed over the last several months. Obviously I have not written any entries about these changes so for those of you that
care I will attempt to bring you up to speed.
First a HUGE change in plans with regards to running a 100 mile race. After pacing Evan Cestari for the last 40 miles of Massenutten Mountain 100 I realized
the seriousness of running a 100 competitively. I saw first hand the hurt,suffering and sprit that is involved with completing this monumental task. After some time of pondering on this fantastic experience I realized I NEED friends and family around in order to make it.
I struggled for weeks on this thought. For this thought meant that I could not go with Derek to Oregon and run a 100 alone. Not wanting to let Derek down and not wanting to not make good on a promise I didn't want to face this reality. But in the end it was the right call to make. Derek would be going to Oregon without me and I would have to find another 100 to run on the east coast. Derek like he is with all things was understanding,encouraging and completely positive to this news. For his character I am very grateful.
So Derek continues to be on a serious tear winning Laurel Highlands Ultra in record time along with continuing his training as if he has become time. Unstoppable and consistent. I will make the statement right here and now, Derek will win Pine to Palm 100 if he lets himself. The talent and desire is there, he only needs to open the door. I suspect he will be knocking on it and walking right through. To Derek from the deepest parts of my soul, my heart is with you!
On my front its been an interesting story. I gain fitness and break barriers of what I think I can do only to be set back by injury. I am working on a very important skill I have been missing. Reading my body. It seams my body speaks very softly and I am hard of hearing. I have had issues with my achilles that I hurt last year flaring up and getting sore where it was torn. Most recently I seemed to have torn/pulled the rectus abdomens muscle on my left side. I lost almost 9 days of NO running at all. Only several days ago have I been able to gingerly begin to run again.
I have managed to miss all of my "warm up" races due to injury. I did toe the line at one pretzel city race which was a fairly flat 30k. I ran a personally disappointing 5th place. All in all that is nothing to be ashamed about and I am not. But I expected better out of myself honestly. Granted I was running with a bunch of great runners so the competition was not soft. But in the end I wanted to do better.
So here I am hardly able to run faster than a 10 min. mile without my stomach muscle screaming at me. A week from today I have a 50 mile race which is essential to getting into my 100 mile goal race! To say I have no confidence is an understatement. I have negative confidence honestly.Personally I don't have much confidence in life as a whole. It's funny how running often mimics what is going on in my life. The only thing I can cling to is my history of who I am as a person, the training that I have done and hope in whats yet to come. Assuming my stomach continues to get better over the coming days I am going to go into my first 50 mile race the most unconfident and honestly somewhat scared runner I can be.
Just as in life right now I don't have any confidence I am still willing to push forward exposed and scared. This race will be much the same. I will run hard.. I will run as hard as I can. In doing this I will expose who I am for all to see. Without confidence or security I will push forward. I am hopeful that
in taking the plunge into insecurity,vulnerability and the unknown a unique story will be created. One that could be created no other way. A story that is not shallow in it's meaning nor ordinary in it's flow.
I look forward to this risk only in hoping to discover something that I do not have. I stumble so often in being a blessing to others in this life. In my weakness this coming week may I find the tools in life that I so desperately need.

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