Cocoon

The snow has covered the terrain that was once brown, beaten down and dead.
A cocoon of white has tucked it away. Holding it closely waiting for a new day. When all that was old is young. When all that was brown blooms of color in every hue.

The snow has become my cocoon. Weather I like it or not I have become tucked into its grasp. Each step is labored and more intense. Each climb more difficult. It's cold snapping inside of me breath by breath. Slowly pushing me towards something I have yet to understand or see.

Within the grip of the winter cocoon I am being made new. In spite of it's burden on me there is beauty to be found. Sure it's hard, sure it hurts but there is purity in it's white. There is comfort in its hush on the woods. There is encouragement in the sight of seed pods scattered across it's crust. Encouragement of things to come.

I want to fight this burden. But I know it's necessary for things to be as they should. To be renewed we must go through the seasons. Each has its blessings in a unique way. It can be hard to remember this when looking directly at it. But if your thoughts can reflect off the snow as the sun you may find yourself flying in the sky. You may find something you never thought possible.

For me personally it seems winters cocoon has not only taken hold of my running but has also taken hold of my life. I want to rebel against it. But if I try and look at it from a positive perspective it IS good for me. It will bring growth if I choose to be part of it. I want to grow as a runner but also as a person.

Over the last several days as is often the case music seems to come to my mind. Almost the feelings I have or sights that I see made audible in music. Sparklehorse
has long been one of those bands that come to my mind when in deep thought or in times of inner struggle. During my run today their song Pain Birds kept creeping into my thoughts. As a matter of fact this song often appears on my lips when suffering tremendously while racing. I miss Mark Linkous. I wish he could have gotten past his winter burden. I am thankful he flew while reflecting off the snow.

Like Water

Of course I have ideas of how the coming months of my life shall go. Thoughts of I will do this, I will do that. More than ever today I realized this is just not how it is. I can tell you my body is not where I thought it would be right now. My thoughts are not what I expected. My emotions are mixing in such a way that I come up with more questions than answers.

I personally find it hard to hold on to anything when everything is constantly moving. Life is moving even if I am not. Being bound to life, in not moving I actually am. Just as I had no choice in being brought into this rather strange concept of life so am I bound to it's constant movement. Tumbling like water down a steep mountain grade bumping from rock to rock.

I felt like water bumping into rocks tumbling down a mountain side yesterday. Unable to stop, I constantly pushed forward not fully understanding why. One person to the next one step in front of the other my body cut through the dimensions I have been built to move in. Overwhelmed with the abstract reality of life. I do not understand. In order to keep perspective I needed to accept the not understood so as to not loose focus becoming tied up in it's mystery.

As I am being moving through the journey down the mountain tumbling from rock to rock seemingly haphazardly I suspect there will come a time when the mystery is pulled back even for just a moment to reveal the reality that has been such an unknown to me. The not understood makes sense. I needed to tumble to be purified. I needed to flow to come to a place I did not know could be.

The end spilling into a lake of the unknown a stillness will come. A time to think and see. All around me other waters who have also spilled becoming more than we could have been alone. A home for others to dwell. Doing what we were prepared for, an unknown we knew so well.

I am spilling down the mountain side right now. Each rock I bump into reminds me that I do not understand. But I am hoping of that lake I will eventually land.

The video that is part of this post is the "flowing" which I do not understand. Every time I listen to Coco Rosie they seem to make in music many of the feelings I have about the "flow" of life and how it is a mystery. So unique at times I can only sit back in wonder saying nothing.

Food for Thought

Over the last several days I have waffled from unbridled hope to a barren wind blown low with no hope in sight. I am doing my best to exercise the long term vision of training. Hoping in the unseen resting in doing what I am capable of doing at the moment. But I have to be honest I keep wondering at my current running ability how will I EVER get back to my previous running ability and then some??

This type of thinking has stalked me like a starving animal in the night. I had one of the toughest workouts  on the stairclimber last night that I have ever had. But just when I was about to break,give up and bag it for the day a friend of mine who is actually the one who got me into racing plopped down next to me on the other stairclimber and said Howdy and I said Hi! Jeremy was just the person I needed to see at that very moment. What a gift his smiling face and conversation was. I finished my work out hurting but strong.

Then after this mornings weight lifting session while driving to work I had these feelings of "how pathetic am I to think what I am doing now will even remotely help me reach the goal of running not only 100 miles but winning the race. I kept pushing those thoughts off knowing even if they were true what good did they do me? During this struggle I received a text on my phone. Who was it? Mister Jim Rayburn. For those of you that do not know, Jim has been the biggest blessing to me both from a training, running standpoint but more so as someone who unlocked inside of me what I could not undo. Jim showed me how to become more than I thought I could be both in life and running.

His text read something like… "keep on running when you can, you will be back before you know it" What an awesome message to receive. Especially considering the thoughts I was struggling with at the time. He then proceeded to ask "wanna go for a slow run on thursday around 4?" 

At that very moment I realized that what I am doing now is all that I can do. One day on top of another they blend. I give my very best each day with that I have to offer. With honesty and no corners cut, the days WILL add up. Each day is a creation. Each day is an expression. Over time they will unfold and out the other side will come my goal. I will be free to rest in knowing I did my best. 

Will I win the race? Will I even complete it? I am going to do everything I can to make sure they both will happen. But my hope is in my daily dedication that even IF neither comes to be true I can walk away satisfied having lived truth and honesty. Jim is a true friend. Jeremy is a true friend. Seems fitting they showed up at just the right time. At the time I was doubting all that is right. My days on top of days are not just me. They are my friends. They are my family. They are the woods. They are the food I eat. They are the story, the drama and the hope. 

My hope is that as I learn these lessons with regards to training for Pine to Palm 100 I will be able to apply the same honesty,creativity,hope and passion to other areas of my life. I want to be more honest. I want to have more hope. I want to have more passion. I want the dream to unfold. Rich, right and good.

Cheers,

Jess

Finesse

I was presented with the choice of running or not running today. Well the question was not if I was going running. The question was my Achilles up to running? It seems this injury is going to really take some time to get over. It's been since early November that it occurred. If you do not know I had not injured my achilles running rather I injured it at the gym doing calf raises.
Then in late mid to late November I went to Italy for work. Being in the alps of northern Italy I HAD to go for a run. Should I have done so? Absolutely not! I had two large lumps from the tears and was in no shape to be running let alone climbing some 3,000 plus feet up then down in a short 7 mile run. But I just had to.
I know that run set me back substantially.
So here I am now early January. Is the tendon getting better? Yes. But it's by no means healed. There is still swelling. There is a squeaky sound that it makes when I have worked it too hard. All signs that it still deserves my attention and respect. The lumps are no longer, I just have an overall swelling. This is common in this type of injury and is not a good sign.
So I have been attempting to run only as fast and only as far as I can without pain.
It's a fine line between doing what is right and pushing hard to move forward and heal and pushing too hard and degrading long term progress. I am having a tough time finding the line.
Much like in life I can want to just take out a sledge hammer and beat things into place. If I cannot finesse them then I will just beat on them hard enough and long enough until they work. Over and over I have seen this be completely ineffective and does nothing but give me an unhealthy outlet to vent my anger and frustration.
With this injury I really am trying to find that finesse that soft often eludes me in life. Both in running but also life in general. There is a beauty in someone who can take the time to think before they act. Put a well educated plan in place and adjust on the fly as need be.
As many of you are runners, know that running and it's uncanny similarity to the task of living life in this world. So many parallels that at times it's almost creepy.
Does god have some sort of hidden humor in planting parallels to life in the pain of running? I like to think so. It seems in the pain of running you are pushed back into a silent place that brings into pinpoint focus all of life,all of your decisions and emotions making sense of them.
Yeah I ran today. I made a calculated plan. Making sure I was willing to adjust as need be. I so much wanted to find the finesse in this little run that I so often lack in the larger scale of life as a whole. I set out on the same loop I have done for the last several days. It was a chance to discover my finesse.
I pulled on my gloves,slid on my hat and trotted out of my works parking lot. The idea was to run only as fast as I could with no pain. If pain occurred take note of foot position,speed and terrain. Back off the speed until it went away and make that the norm. Constantly adjusting as need be on downhills and uphills. The snow and ice on the roads and sidewalks kept my mind busy on one level. On the the other level over and over in my head I said "focus jesse,listen and adjust". At any moment if I could not make the pain go away I would stop and turn around.
Before I knew it I had run 4 miles. When your in that zone of "thinking" while running for me it almost becomes a trance. Faces I saw are the street were in slow motion. Just a blip of feeling and emotion then erased to allow room for the focus inside. When I had run 4 miles I took inventory. How was my tendon feeling?
It felt no worse than when I had left.
Slipped back inside work. Hit the shower. Stretched. Cleaned up and had some lunch at my desk. As i sit here typing this I have an ice pack on my tendon. I want to make sure I am doing all I can to help things. I learned today that if I take the time to be attune to what is going on, take inventory of my options, weight the risk and take action there can be well thought out progress. I can find that finesse in life I so often miss. I hope I can continue these thoughts and put away the sledge hammer I so often reach for. More times than not it leaves nothing but a beat up mess.
Happy Friday,
Jess

Strong Hope

Hope is a funny thing. You cannot directly see it. You may be able to see the results of it. What are those results? More times than not they manifest themselves as progress towards some sort of goal. This may be a very tangible thing such as a task being completed or work being done. But the hope I am after results in emotional progress. To me emotional progress is deeper than "works" progress. Hope gives meaning when there is non to find in your current state. Hope gives you the will to keep picking up a piece here, a shred there even when you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into an unknown.
I thought a lot about hope while I ran during lunch today. My injuries still biting at my soul. Injuries both physically but also mentally. I thought about how can I have hope when one day even though I think at times I will escape it, death shall come. Without having hope NOW I am already dead. I will have no progress. When one is broken to the core and has lost every shred of hope life stops. I thought about all of the struggles each one of us has. Both visually but more important mentally. I know myself I can be cold,proud,arrogant and angry. Hope is found in non of those things. It is found in joy,truth,love and many times struggle.
At the end of my run I began to think about how important it is to be full of hope. Hope of things yet unseen, yet to come. This may sound like wishful thinking but I think there is great strength to be found in hope. A gentle steady strength. One hope built on top of another an inner strength comes. It does not come quickly and takes constant work. As anything of value in this life it's not easy. Life is hard. Hope is hard. But life is valuable and so is hope.
Though I found myself wanting to set timelines,specific goals and expectations today about my progress I know I need to step back and look long term. I need to hope not in the short term but in the long term of the unseen. Not that it's wrong to look short term and constantly look at your goals. But your goals can begin to rule you and smother hope. Today I have begun to explore the art of finding balance in keeping an eye on the short term,the long term and trusting in the unknown hoping in things yet seen.

Blah blah blah Training Blah blah blah

Yesterdays athletic endeavors have left me feeling sore today. In the early hour I did deadlifts,various cable rows,stretching and overhead bench press. I also spent about 15 minutes for warm up on the elliptical. In the afternoon I decided to run 5 road miles during lunch at work. For the first time in months I ran. Ended up doing 5 miles at 7 minutes per mile pace. Not race pace but no longer "jogging". I felt like the wind. Let me tell you feeling like the wind is a good good thing. 

In the afternoon I was back at the gym. Did 55 minutes on the stairclimber. Total of 3 minutes running on it. My legs were pretty spent from the gym and then running during lunch. They were fully toasted when I stepped of the climber.

This morning I hit the gym as usual. Did 15 minutes on the elliptical then spent the rest of the hour lifting weights and stretching. I did cable pulldowns,zortman curls,single leg crunches on the crunch machine. Also did a bit of core work. All in all I had a really solid workout this am.

This afternoon will be more of the same evening workout I had yesterday. I plan on doing 50 minutes to an hour on the stairclimber. I will most likely not run on it this evening. After yesterdays semi hard run during lunch coupled with running on the stair climber in the evening my achilles was a bit sore today. Nothing horrible but it let me know that he needed a break today. I really really wanted to run during lunch today. But I am trying to exercise restraint and get healed up. Looks like I will be able to run every other day on the road for the coming weeks. Hopefully Late next week I will begin to run daily during lunch.

If I can get a good run in daily during lunch then hit the stairclimber in the evening that is a solid 2 hours a day of fairly intense cardio. I hope that will begin to bring some of the fitness back that I have lost. At this point I cannot imagine being ready for the Hat Run 50k in mid March but I have to trust in the progress I will see as my training moves forward. When your low it's hard to remember what it's like to be high.

Cheers,

Jess

The old and new

Today was a bit different than other days have been as far as exercise,running is concerned. First of all I have changed up my weight lifting/gym work outs. Want to make sure my body does not get to use to what it does. After some lengthy conversations with Derek about IT band issues I have decided to focus a bit more on stretching and building up my gluteus medius muscle. Apparently a weak gluteus medius can cause major IT issues due to the hip alignment being off during the stance faze when running. 

This morning I incorporated a bit more stretching targeting hip and hamstring flexibility. I can say I am almost embarrassed about how tight I am. I can hardly spread my legs from front to back at 90 degrees! Not good. Not good at all. 

I have also started really upping the weight for my compound exercises such as deadlift,squat and good morning. I broke my squat record with 240 pounds and deadlifted on an elevated platform this morning 210 pounds.

I am hoping that increasing flexibility and increased muscle mass will serve me well in the coming months as I begin to run more. On a more exciting note I was able for the FIRST time since October 2nd to run hard. Well not race pace hard, but I was able to run and not jog.  I did 5 miles during lunch today on the roads and averaged 7min per mile which is light years ahead of what I have been able to do. I was actually able to outpace my cardio capacity. I have not done that in months. 

While running today I noticed if I focus on powering out of the ball of my foot and keeping myself very upright I have NO IT Band issues at all. I am thinking my IT band problem was a result of the following. Tight hips and hamstrings. Weak gluteus medius muscles manifesting themselves in poor form. If I overcome the poor form everything seems to click. It also helps that I am able to push off at least a little bit without fear of achilles pain. They are a little tight after todays run but nothing like they have been after shorter easier runs.

I cannot express how thankful I am that at last I am seeing real progress in my physical condition. I have to admit I was beginning to really waver about me actually becoming a runner again. But after today it is still there. It is still part of who I am.

I have been thinking a lot about friends,family and life as most do this time of year. Sort of taking inventory of everything that is my life. While visiting my grandparents yesterday I was lost in the darkness of the countryside. The only illumination was the occasional light on in a barn helping the farmer get the evening milking done. It was so simple and uncluttered. Steady,solid and unwavering. My grandparents lives are coming to a close. They are both nearing 90. They have been pillars in my life. They are the darkness that sits still in the countryside. They are the dim light helping the work that needs to be done get done. They are not flashy. They just are. Waiting and ready. Solid as steel and as tender as the cool evening breeze.

I dedicate my training and running to them. Solid,firm and unwavering they are. The old guard will eventually be passed to me. May I be worthy enough someday to at least partially fill their shoes for the sake of others as they have done for me.

_Jess

Year in review.....

Man.... what a year!!!

Last year, my New Years resolution was to 'cut back on racing so much'!! That did't go so well (I think I lasted maybe 10 minutes! Thanks Greg!)

As I reviewed the miles, and calculated stats of 2010, I reminisced about some of the great adventures I had! All the traveling, the people I met along the way, the excitement of sharing crazy adventures with close friends, achieving the emotional highs and also overcoming the dark depths of the lows. Though this past year was not as productive as I would of wanted, I feel confident that everything about the year was a success!

My goals for 2011 changed throughout the many adventures I had in 2010. It was just about 14 months ago that I did my first ULTRA (Blues Cruise). My good friend Alex Barth gave me the 'nudge' about ultras that Spring. I was not sold on that thought of running more than a marathon at that time, and still enjoyed the cities and pavement. Alex drug me to my next couple of ultras (lets be honest, it doesnt take much to twist my arm! all he had to do was mention he was doing one, and I was there!) I was falling in love with long distance, and even more with trails!

As much as I love being alone in the woods, with nothing but the trail beneath me, I rather enjoyed having some great friends to share in the many adventures! One of my main 'partner in crime' friends was Greg! It was almost like peer pressure "I will do it if you do!" - This, created many stories and lots of laughs, and some really stupid situations! Really stupid!! Even hiking this past fall we got in a stupid situation- But we survived to do it again another time!

So... with over 40 races accomplished last year, I was able to complete 6 marathons (2 of which I ran with my dad! an experience I will never forget!!) and 7 Ultras. I ran in my first 12 HR Endurance run, and was probably the feeling I had during a race the whole year!! I completed my first Masochist 50 miler- probably the toughest part of any adventure I ever faced- This is where my IT band decided it was done, at the half way point! I raced on the Blue Ridge Mountains in NC and Virginia, the Rocky Terrain of North NJ, along side the Susquehanna River, on the beautiful Laurel Highlands Hiking Trail in Ohiopyle PA, and on the magnificent mountains and trails of Bend OR. Making many new friends along the way.

So as the year was coming to a close, and I rest my tired legs and injured IT band, I wanted to approach 2011 different. After watching Tim Olson finish first across the finish line of the torrential downpour of the  Pine to Palm 100, I knew I wanted to take on that awesome adventure. But with the way I approached my training in 2010, I know I needed to find some help (not mentally... I think!) I sought out Coach Ian Torrence from McMillian Running for his training and expertise for the upcoming year. I am really looking forward to seeing what is in store for this upcoming year!

I watched the ball drop, and rung in the new year, talking and sharing about past and soon to be future accomplishments. That positive feeling left me inspired, and motivated, and ready for the new year- Later that morning, I went for a trail run with Jesse and some of his running buddies out his way! There were brief periods that I felt strong and fluid, like I was dancing on the rocks and up the hills. Starting off the year right both physically and mentally!

First Sunrise of the year!


I am very excited about this year, and having a training brother to share it with. Crazy to think we have both had the same injury, same side of the leg, with the same weak Glut Medius Muscle. I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy Adventurous New Year!!!

Derek-

One day down 259 to go

So today was the first "official" day of training for Pine to Palm 100. To celebrate this day Derek made his way down to southern Pennsylvania for a nice 7.4 mile trail run and then a bit of good food.
As many of you know today is also the first day of not shaving for 259 days! Derek will grow a mustache and I will be growing a beard! Should be interesting in the warm months.
So nothing new to report other than my IT Band can still be grumpy at times but the stretching seems to be helping.
Derek seemed to have no issues at all today other than slight weakness in his legs which may be due to not running much in the last several weeks.
So a few pics of us now. Hopefully we are much prettier after our 100 mile race :)
Happy New Year,
Jesse and Derek